Gin jokes, one-liners, quotes and puns
Gin is the subject of some very good jokes, quotes, one-liners and puns. We’ve gathered the best ones here - they're the perfect tonic for any gin lover.
‘I exercise strong self-control – I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.’
- WC Fields
‘I like to have a Martini, two at the very most, after three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.’
- Dorothy Parker
I drank so much gin last night I’ve woken up with a London Dry accent.
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Back to the jokes ...
They say gin can damage your short-term memory. If that's the case, just imagine what gin can do.
If you walk a mile in my shoes. you’ll end up in a gin bar.
I love water - especially when it’s frozen in cubes and surrounded by gin.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar - and orders a gin, and tonic.
I tried to say no to gin - but it’s 42.5% stronger than me.
‘A perfect martini should be made by filling a glass with gin then waving it in the general direction of Italy.’
- Noel Coward
‘The proper union of gin and vermouth is a great and sudden glory; it is one of the happiest marriages on earth and one of the shortest lived.’
- Bernard de VoTo
A true friend reaches for your hand … and puts a glass of gin in it.
Stop saying I’m hard to buy for – you know where the gin aisle is.
‘I don’t know what reception I’m at, but for God’s sake give me a gin and tonic.’
- Denis Thatcher
Charles Dickens: A martini please.
Bartender: Olive or twist?
A gorilla goes up to a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.
The bartender makes the G&T and says: ‘That'll be £20 - and I must say we don't get many gorillas in here.’
The gorilla replies: ‘With prices like that, I'm not surprised.’
Save water - drink gin.
There’s a place and a time for gin. My mouth and now.
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Woman: I love you.
Man: Is that you or the gin talking?
Woman: It’s me talking to the gin.
Don’t cry over spilt milk: it could have been gin.
‘My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin. Then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.’
- W C Fields
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try a gin.
What do you call someone who’s never had a G&T?
‘Trust me you can dance.’
When life gives you lemons (or limes) make a gin and tonic.
PLEASE DRINK GIN RESPONSIBLY. Don’t spill it.
‘The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.’
- Phyllis Diller
A gin and tonic has 91 calories. A banana has 115 calories. My doctor told me to make the healthy choice. I love my doctor.
A dyslexic gin drinker walks into a bra.
A yawn is a silent scream for gin.
I want someone to look at me the same way I look at gin.
Why do pirates prefer rum bars to gin bars?
Gin: because everyone needs a hobby.
My resting face is also my thinking about gin face.
Size does matter. No-one wants a small gin and tonic.
A day without gin is like … I have no idea.
A woman goes into a bar with a roll of tarmac in her bag.
She says: ‘A large gin and tonic please. And one for the road.’
You have to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another G&T.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
Chemically speaking, gin is a solution.
I drink gin twice a year. When it’s raining and when it isn’t raining.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a G&T – and a mop.
Neutron: How much is a G&T?
Bartender: For you - no charge.
I only drink gin on two occasions. When I’m in love and when I’m not.
You cannot make everyone happy - you are not a bottle of gin.
Happiness is finding three olives in your martini when you’re hungry.
Gin is like a push-up bra for your personality.
You should have a warm heart and a cold gin and tonic.
Good friends offer advice. Real friends offer gin.
Exercise: Walking round the house looking for my glass of gin.
I didn’t text you. Gin did.
Sometimes I have a bath because it’s difficult to drink gin in the shower.
If you can’t remember my name just say ‘Gin’ - and I’ll turn around.
I love you slightly less than gin.
Gin lovers are better lovers.
I make gin disappear. What’s your superpower?
Education is important. But gin is importanter.
If you don't drink lots of gin, how will your friends know you love them at 2am?
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Gin and tonic is the answer … What was the question?
I'm on a gin and tonic diet: I lost three days last week.
When god was handing out chins, I thought he said ‘gins’ - so I ordered a double.
The house may not always be tidy - but the gin is always neat.
I ran over a bottle of gin on my bike - and ended up with a sloe puncture.
A grizzly bear walks into pub, puts his arms on the bar and says to the bartender: ‘I'd like a gin and ………………. tonic.’
The bartender replies: ‘Of course, but why the big paws?’
A man walks into a library and shouts: ‘I'll have a gin and tonic, please.’
The librarian replies sternly: ‘Sir, this is a library - please keep your voice down.’
The man whispers: ‘I'll have a gin and tonic, please.’
There once was a fellow McSweeney,
Who put some gin on his weenie,
Just to be couth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped his girlfriend a Martini.
Gin and bear it.
'I have nothing to declare but my gin-ius.'
One gin, two gin, three gin, floor.
It's gin today, but gone tomorrow.
A man has a parrot who won't stop stealing his gin. He tells the parrot if it doesn't stop, he'll shut it in the fridge for an hour.
The parrot openly takes another swig of the gin.
The man says: ‘Right, that's it!’ and slams the parrot in the fridge.
An hour later he opens the door. ‘Are you OK?’ he asks.
‘Yeah,’ the parrot shudders, ‘but what the hell did that chicken steal?’
A duck walks into a shop and asks: Do you have any gin?
Shop keeper: No
Duck: Do you have any gin?
Shop keeper: No
Duck: Do you have any gin?
Shop keeper: No and if you ask again I’ll nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Do you have any nails?
Duck: Do you have any gin?
After my literacy lesson I need a few gin and phonics.
What do you call a sarcastic person who’s drunk on G&Ts?
During World War 2, two German spies received intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion.
To test their knowledge, they enter a pub.
Spies: Two gins, please!
Spies (confused): Nein - zwei!
Forgive me, father, for I have ginned.
I wish I had a friend with benefits.
In this case, the friend would own a distillery and the benefits would be free gin.
G&T friends are forever - through thick and gin.
My office has just started a Gin and Tonic elevenses scheme. It takes place at my desk and I'm the only person who knows about it.
Who’s the drunkest person in Gotham City?
I’m an outdoors kind of person. I drink gin in the back garden.
I believe in a balanced diet - a gin and tonic in each hand.
A man walks into a bar and says: ‘Give me something cold and full of gin.’
The bartender says: ‘You can take my wife.’
‘Of all the gin joint in all the towns in all the world she walks into mine.’
- Rick Blaine played by Humphrey Bogart in the film, Casablanca
‘The gin and tonic saved more Englishmen’s lives, and minds, than all the doctors in the Empire.’
- Winston Churchill
These jokes are now available in a lovely illustrated book - a perfect present for a gin-loving friend. Buy one now!