Emergency list of rubbish Christmas Cracker jokes to go with our gin and tonic crackers

We didn't include any jokes in our crackers this year - so here is a list of the world's worst Christmas Cracker jokes to tell over the dinner table. And please consider buying some York Gin (we're not joking when we say it's some of the very best gin in the world).

The Worst Christmas Cracker Jokes and Puns

When is a boat just like snow?
When it’s adrift.

What happens to naughty elves?
Santa gives them the sack.

Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws.

How does Christmas Day end?
With the letter ‘Y’.

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
Because he had no body to go with.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Ice Crispies.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells.

What cars do elves drive?
Toy-otas.

What did Scrooge’s pet lamb say?
Baa humbug.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrots?

What do snowmen eat for dinner?
Iceburgers.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues.

What’s a child’s favourite king at Christmas?
A stocking.

What would you call Santa’s helper who won the lottery?
Welfy.

Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?
The outside.

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph.

What do you call a child who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

Why does Santa go down the chimney?
Because it soots him.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up in the sky?
‘Looks like rain, dear.’

Who's Rudolph's favourite singer?
Beyon-sleigh.

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple.

Why does your nose get tired in winter?
It runs all day.

What is the most competitive season?
Win-ter.

What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
Fleece Navidad.

What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap.

Why don’t penguins fly?
Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots.

What’s a dog’s favourite carol?
Bark, the herald angels sing.

What did the dog get for Christmas?
A mobile bone.

Why did Rudolph log on to Amazon when his tail fell off?
Because they’re the biggest online re-tailers.

Which singer is a Christmas tree's favourite?
Spruce Springsteen.

What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf?
You are so last season.

Why do mummies love Christmas?
Because there is lots of wrapping.

Where does Father Christmas go for an action-packed weekend of activities?
Santa Parcs.

How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh?
They use Santa-tizer.

Please consider buying some York Gin (we're not joking when we say it's some of the very best gin in the world).

Why was Cinderella no good at football?
Because her coach was a pumpkin.

How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?
On the dark side.

Why wouldn’t the cat climb the Christmas tree?
It was afraid of the bark.

How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?
He keeps a logbook.

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Santapplause.

What was the bauble's secret addiction?
It was hooked on trees.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What is the best Christmas present?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!

What do snowmen like to do at the weekend?
Chill out.

How do snowmen travel around?
By icicle.

What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo?
An eskimoo.

What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
Wait, there's myrrh.

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claus-trophobia.

What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
Santa Pause.

What do snowmen eat for dessert?
Ice crispies.

How do you help someone who has lost their Christmas spirit?
Nurse them back to elf.

What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa's workshop?
A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call a reindeer ghost?
Cari-boo.

What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown.

Why are elves such great motivational speakers?
They have plenty of elf-confidence.

What game do reindeer play at sleepovers?
Truth or deer.

What’a Santa's dog called?
Santa Paws.

What disease do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis.

What do Santa's helpers learn in school?
The elf-abet.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has No L.

Who’s never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he’s always stuffed.

What did the English teacher call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

Which of Santa’s friends is the most chill?
Jack Frost.

What's red and white and falls down chimneys?
Santa Klutz.

What language does Santa speak?
North Polish.

How can you tell when Santa’s around?
You can feel his presents.

What was Santa's favourite subject in school?
Chemis-tree.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house!

What goes ‘Oh, Oh, Oh’?
Santa walking backwards.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas quacker.

Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve?
He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.

Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elfish Presley.

What do you sing to a Christmas trees at their retirement party?
Fir he’s a jolly good fellow.

How do Christmas trees get their email?
They log on

What did Luke Skywalker say after he planted a load of Christmas trees?
May the forest be with you.

How do Christmas trees get ready for a night out?
They spruce up.

What was the Christmas tree’s favourite shape?
A treeangle.

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Because the present's beneath them.

What do you call cutting down a Christmas tree?
Christmas chopping.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
They have too many needles.

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you.

What did one Christmas tree say to another?
Lighten up.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? 
Mary. Mary who?
Mary Christmas.

Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Anna. Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.

Why did Santa go to the doctor?
Because of his bad elf.

Why did Santa's helper get therapy?
Because he had a low elf esteem.

What motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws.

Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues.

What did the sea Say to Santa?
Nothing. It just waved.

Who delivers presents to sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws.

What goes Ho, Ho, Ho, thump?
Santa laughing his head off.

What does Santa pay every month?
Jingle Bills.

Where does Santa go when he's poorly?
The elf centre.

Why is Santa so good at karate?
Because he has a black belt.

What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Anything you like, they can't hear you.

What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
Santa Pause.

What do Santa’s helpers post on social media?
Elf-ies.

Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was elf taught.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn't a chicken.

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks.

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.

When is a boat just like snow?
When its adrift.

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Why was the snowman rummaging in the bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.

What do fish sing at Christmas time?
Christmas Corals.

What do you get when you cross a pine cone and a polar bear?
A fur tree.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful.

What do angry mice send each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards.

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad.

Please consider buying some York Gin (we're not joking when we say it's some of the very best gin in the world).

Which athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper.

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days.

Why was the Advent Calendar afraid?
Its days were numbered.

What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth.

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells.

Why is everyone so thirsty at the north pole?
No well.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad.

What type of key do you need for a Nativity play?
A don-key.

What did one Angel say to the other?
Halo there.

What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause,

What does Santa use to bake cakes?
Elf-raising flour.

What is the duck's favourite Christmas carol?
In The Beak Midwinter.

What’s a dog’s favourite Christmas carol?
Bark, the herald angels sing.

Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys?
Carbon footprints.

Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan.

What's the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?
One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call an old snowman?
A puddle.

What do sheep say to each other at Christmas time?
Merry Christmas to ewe.

When is a Christmas dinner bad for your health?
When you're the turkey.

What’s every parent’s favourite Christmas Carol?
Silent Night.

What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his undies?
St Nickerless.

Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?
It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.

Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Dasher on eBay ?
Because they were two deer.

How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.

Who do Santa’s helpers call when they’re ill?
The National Elf Service.

What do you sing at a Snowman’s party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't arrive?
One day my prints will come.

What's the most popular Christmas wine?
I don't like sprouts.

How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited?
He keeps a logbook.

Please consider buying some York Gin (we're not joking when we say it's some of the very best gin in the world).